Six years ago, my sister's husband Richard got tickets for all the brothers-in-law to see Lord of the Rings on Christmas day. It was the film's opening week and tickets were sold out, so he called the opportunity a "Christmas miracle."
This initiated a family trend of terribly misappropriating the phrase "Christmas miracle." Like the time my nephew flung his sister's underwear toward the tree, and it landed exactly where the star is supposed to go.
Yesterday at Kmart, I admit the phrase came to my mind again when I beheld a fresh shipment of these, just in time for the holiday:
It was at that moment that I decided to forgo the family Christmas cards this year in favor of a spectacular blog giveaway. Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Clause. And yes, people who read House That Jack Built, you are one comment away from the opportunity to call one of these babies your own.
Before you get too hysterical, I should mention that they were all sold out of Leah's flesh-colored hedgehog (Kmart shoppers do tend to have impeccable taste). But I did manage to secure a lavender elephant,
a hot pink pony, which the packaging appropriately describes as "lifelike,"
and a blue dragon, also "lifelike"
On the back of the package are detailed instructions for use (so don't be intimidated), as well as the phrase "PATENT PENDING," just in case anyone gets the big idea of tapping into the market for latex animals that inflate to resemble human gall bladders.
To qualify, tell me one thing you want for Christmas (BESIDES these). I will pick three winners next Wednesday, 2 at random and 1 based on my favorite response.
Prizes will be shipped for delivery by Christmas. This of course is assuming I can convince postal authorities that I am not in violation of any federal law. ("Sir, I realize they are SO lifelike, but I promise these animals are just pretend!")
If all goes well, one of them - and feel free to indicate your preference - will be inhabiting your stocking on Christmas Eve, poised to delight everyone on Santa's nice list.
Also, they are just creepy enough to punish the ones who have been naughty.