Art they lovely?

I read an article last week in The Washington Times about an Italian art historian who claims to have finally discovered who the real Mona Lisa is.

He announced at a press conference in Rome that she is actually a he, inspired by a young male assistant of da Vinci. In response, the Louvre essentially threw back its head and laughed.

This got me thinking.

It has been 500 years since the Mona Lisa was painted, and we still have no idea who is behind her smile. I wonder if this was Leonardo’s intention, or if it drives him nuts that we’re still arguing about it, and that his inspiration has never been given proper credit.

In an attempt to avoid similar confusion among historians 500 years in the future, I would like to take this opportunity to provide a verified interpretation of my own personal collection. If anyone is reading this post in the year 2511, this is Leah’s art.

She drew it at church, when she was four.

It is her mother, with orange teeth and legs that protrude from the jawbone, and her father, with yellow horns and blue chest hair.

While Leah's art is more eclectic, Jolie has always tended toward a particular subject matter.

It first emerged in this sketch, which I posted a couple of years ago.

The art...

The inspiration...

Her little brother has been her most prominent subject ever since. This piece was a school assignment, entitled: “What I like to do on a snowy day.”

Art historians will find this work of particular interest, because it is the first sketch of Jolie’s in which we notice the emergence of a secondary inspiration. There is of course, the ever-present baby brother. But if you look beyond the brother, closely, your eye will begin to discern an appearance by the nasty green couch we got free off Craigslist.

I’m no curator, but I find it touching, the way she was able to capture a child’s tender affection for a piece of furniture, in spite of its ragged appearance, musty odor, bacteria, mites, etc.

Unfortunately, every great artist has their tragedy, and Jolie is no exception.

Hers occurred in early January at Macy’s, when her mother fell in love with a cozy, gray tufted sectional. She stood helplessly as her father purchased the couch, arranged for delivery, then explained that the nasty green one would no longer be part of the family. In fact, in would no longer be part of any family, but would be destroyed at the dump in order to protect the DC area from the risk of contamination.

The new couch arrived a month later, and is everything the old is not. Lovely. Cozy. Sanitary. Perfect for the gorgeous white felted pillows my mom bought us.

It is hard to explain then, why it's been three weeks, and we still have not gotten rid of the nasty green one. Every Saturday for three weeks Jack has offered to take it to the dump, and every Saturday I've come up with an excuse to hang on to it for just a little bit longer.

And so it remains in the family room, unapologetically in front of the new couch, while I try to muster up the courage to let it go. I appreciate the value of style and aesthetics, but it seems I also appreciate the value of having something around that my kids can snugl, eat, drink, jump, and pee on without having to worry about consequences.

Maybe Jolie is a more influential artist than I have given her credit.

Maybe beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.

Pure Energy

This week Leah was given her first Church Primary assignment since sustaining a black eye while serving as the reverence child. We held our breath a little in anticipation of what Jack called, “Leah vs. Primary, Round II.”

The children are learning about the plan of happiness, so she was assigned to give a 1-minute talk entitled, “Jesus Christ created the earth for me.”

I am happy to report that, in spite of a few unintelligible phrases (please refer to subtitles), she pulled it off beautifully. It’s amazing what the spirit can do, especially when combined with the promise of an entire stick of gum.

After enjoying the moment (sigh), I started to think...I'm no physicist, but I understand enough about the laws of energy to know that Leah’s can't be destroyed. Just because she pulls off a peaceful primary talk, does not mean that the wild motion inside her has disappeared. It just means that it’s been stored away as potential motion, waiting for a suitable opportunity to manifest itself.

So I kept an eye on her during the rest of Sharing Time, but she was the perfect picture of reverence. During class she remained in her chair for the entire duration, munching goldfish crakers and listening intently to stories about Jesus. She was quiet on the ride home. She was calm during lunch.

But when it was time for Sunday naps, she was too restless to fall asleep. I could tell that potential energy was desperate to strike. But I fell asleep anyway.

And then she found a Sharpie. And she found her Valentines. And she addressed them.

and then she slept like a baby.

Holiday Upcycle

We had a good old fashioned Virginia Christmas, and it’s high time I finally sat down and thanked those who made it so.

I also hope that I’ve given everyone a sufficiently long break since my previous post, because we’ve finished another Craigslist makeover, and I have about 15 more before and after pictures to upload.

But first, thank you to our holiday company, cast & crew -

1. My father-in-law Jack

I adore my father-in-law, to pieces. Here he is in the freezing cold, fixing our car when the power steering went out in Alexandria. He is the hardest worker I know, and I’ve never once heard him complain. When he wasn’t fixing our car, he was having it washed and vacuumed, buying our groceries, running our errands, and improving the house. He did the dishes after every meal, and fixed our entire Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas morning breakfast. How many fathers-in-law fix the meals and wash all the dishes? I know! He’s a keeper!!

2. My mother-in-law Daneille

I adore her equally, to pieces. Here she is during the aforementioned power steering breakdown. While the rest of us were whining about how cold/tired/hungry/power steeringless we were, she spent the entire wait doing word games with Jolie, and teaching her about American history. If our kids are smart, it’s because their Grandma D has been supplying us with educational resources and advice from the time they were born. Daneille is an avid reader and a world traveler, which also makes her the best Christmas gift giver. My very favorite books and movies are the classics she has introduced me to.

3. Jack’s sister Elise

I had to post a paparazzi-style shot of Elise, because everywhere we went, people mistook her for a celebrity. She is stunningly beautiful, and my fashion idol. Thank goodness she took pity on my outdated accessories, and wrapped up an entire collection of the latest and hippest for me under the tree. Elise is toying with the idea of living with us this summer, which would be a dream come true for the kids. I’m just not sure Jack & I are prepared to deal with having our door beat down by every eligible bachelor in the greater DC area.

4. My friend Jen

Jen & I worked together at the Utah State Capitol before she moved to DC to take exciting jobs on the hill, then settle down with her husband & two beautiful girls. Everyone who moves to a foreign part of the country should have their own Jen. When we first arrived in town, she sent flowers and balloons to our hotel, and has since been patiently answering my incessant pleas for advice - Where to shop (Wegmans), what to eat (Wegmans), where to go on a date (Wegmans), how to entertain the kids (Wegmans), what insurance plan, what doctors, etc. etc. etc. She also has cooked for us, introduced us to new friends, and included us as guests at all of her fabulous, perfectly hosted parties.

I mention Jen specifically in my holiday thank yous, because she saved Christmas by loaning us her electric sander (see below), and also because she suggested we spend the holiday at Mount Vernon, where we got to meet

5. Apple

Apple is the turkey that President Obama pardoned in November, then apparently banished to a frigid, 6x6 outdoor penitentiary at Mount Vernon. Who can pass up a photo op like that?

And speaking of photo ops, while at Mount Vernon, we were also pleased to discover a display of George Washington’s dentures. I would show them to you, but

Sorry guys. Rules are rules.

Lastly, thank you to

6. My handsome, handy husband Jack,

For dragging home another one of my back-breaking, 800 pound Craiglist finds without complaint, and then spending all twelve days of Christmas, into the wee hours of the morning, sawing, sanding, drilling, and painting until he had put every Elf in the North Pole to shame.

Here are the before pictures, direct from the Craigslist post.

Thank goodness the set was beat up and hideous, because it kept all my potential competition from realizing what gold it is. All the pieces are made by Community Playthings, which means they are solid maple, hand crafted and, I’m pretty certain, capable of surviving a nuclear attack. New, this set retails for over $1,000. I almost felt guilty giving the guy the hundred bucks he was asking, since all it needed was a little love.

Here’s what it looked like on Christmas morning, when the kids came pounding out in their footed jammies -

Plus the ironing board,

(That is a TOY iron!!!)

And the table, which was another curbside freebie from a ward member,

that just needed a fresh coat of paint.

Jack did some very clever upcycling. The burners are spray painted furniture gliders,

the hutch lights up

EEEEEEEE!!!!! (Wait, who is this kitchen for anyway?)

He used a bathroom faucet, and the sink is a 9x13 baking pan.

That's right, boy. Real men do the dishes.

(His future wife already owes me a thank you note)

House Pics

This is the first time in nine years we are home for the holidays, which has its upsides and downsides.

Downside: Jack spent Thanksgiving Day raking 32 bags of leaves.

32 bags, no joke, plus another 21 the following weekend. When our real estate agent was pitching half an acre, he somehow forgot to mention the part about raking 53 bags of leaves.

Upside: We were in town for the school Turkey Trot, and got to watch our first grader forfeit a win in favor of helping her little sister cross the finish line.

Awww.

But I digress. The point of this post is to show you some pictures of the house and I had better stay on topic because I have about 20 of them to upload.

This is not only the first time since we were married that we're home for the holidays, it's the first time we're in a home at all. Nine years of dwelling in small apartments has given us a happy, daily appreciation for things like grass, and storage space, and not having to worry about people being annoyed when they can hear our kids cry. Or jump or yell or play. Or when they poop in the pool at their sister's birthday party.

When we moved out of our last apartment in Santa Barbara, we left behind all of our furniture except for one bedroom set and a crib, so we're basically starting from scratch. We still have a long ways to go, but here are a few of the projects we've finished so far -

The first item of business after unpacking, was figuring out where to put our sweet 2004 27-inch beast of a box television set.

The answer came to me on top of a double decker bus. Jack's parents were in town and treating us to a tour of the city, when I got an email that someone in the ward had left this baby out on their curb for free pickup.

It weighs about 400 pounds, and I had to have it. I made Jack and his dad drag it home, then spent every Saturday morning for two months doing this.

Did you know that paint stripper can burn a hole right through your hands? Twice.

But every birth story is painful, and now what would have been garbage has a whole new life.

Once you start stripping furniture and painting it white, it's kind of hard to stop. I found these at the thrift store for $7 total.

Cute.

Cuter...

(Cutest!)

Next item of business were the walls. When we moved in they were a deep, what-were-they-thinking terra cotta red.

And now they are warm and happy Niagra Falls Blue, and Moonlit Yellow.

The kitchen also needed a little something, as the custom corner cabinets the owners provided just weren't quite right.

After...

The cabinet was a $30 find (!) at the Arlington Flea Market. The bulletin board, I dug out of a recycle bin, then painted the edges and covered it with fabric. The only thing missing are your Christmas cards. (Do you see the six beautiful, but lonely families on the right? Their party can't start until you arrive.)

We've also had a ton of luck on Craigslist.

This desk was 30 bucks. With chair.

And this was only 70 (!)

...plus the cost of permanent damage done to Jack's back when he lifted it into the van. (That bow, by the way, is a Christmas decoration. I have yet to buy something on Craigslist that comes gift wrapped.)

Also, in case you think I only know how to search Craigslist for white furniture, my favorite find so far is this antique sideboard.

The owner said he had over 50 requests for it, but chose us because I sounded nice, and because I was "so consistent." I guess it pays to be nice. It also pays to flood people's inbox and voicemail until they finally throw up their hands and consent to sell you their stuff.

When we brought it home and set it against the wall it looked a little lonely and sad, like it was wondering how it went from living the DC good life to serving as a hide-and-go-seek cave for our kids. So I gathered up every frame we own

repainted them, ripped up a few art books, then laid everything in the entryway for a week and made people step over them

until I settled on an arrangement.

I'll stop now, before you start begging me to. Also, because if I take any more pictures you might find out that some of our windows are still covered like this

or that while we save for a new couch, we are sitting on a nasty free one from Craigslist that looks like this.

Put a Ring On It

Yesterday morning, at 9:55am to be exact, my phone rang.

I was across the house at the time, holding a 2-year old and his collection of trucks, so I got to it too late, and missed the call.

This is what I saw on the caller ID.

Prince William? Shut up!! Missing a phone call from Prince William is a big deal.

I just didn’t realize how much of a big deal until today, when I woke up this to headline.

Well! Looks like he settled for the next Kate on his list.

Couldn't he at least have tried my cell?